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They just left the house and I started to get nervous. I tell myself that I don't have to be, everything will be fine but I can't control my thoughts and heartbeat.
I know it can take hours till Fredrik calls me back with information but I can't sit just here and do nothing. I start cleaning the house, I need something to do. But it doesn't help.
Pingo lays on his carpet and looks at me like I lost my mind, what is that human doing?
I go to him and lay with him down for a while, listens to his heart and breathing calms me down. My dogs have that magic power to bring me back to earth and myself when I get lost.
My phone rang a few hours later and Fred just said: first of all, it's all gone be fine!
I started crying immediately, I don't know if it was all the stress from the last month and this was just the top, or because Nanuk is like a child to me, and I'm out of options now and have no choice but to trust others with her. Or it was everything at once.
They did an ultrasound picture of her uterus and saw that it was infected. They also found a cyst in it and decided that it has to happen now, not next month and not next year - now.
And all I could do is say yes.
I know that this is a routine surgery and they can probably do it blindly, but what people dont understand is that it's not just a dog for me. 

“From time to time, people tell me, “lighten up, it’s just a dog,”
or “that’s a lot of money for just a dog.”

They don’t understand the distance travelled, the time spent,
or the costs involved for “just a dog.”

Some of my proudest moments have come about with “just a dog.”

Many hours have passed and my only company was “just a dog,”
but I did not once feel slighted.

Some of my saddest moments have been brought about by
“just a dog,” and in those days of darkness, the gentle touch
of “just a dog” gave me comfort and reason to overcome the day.

If you, too, think it’s “just a dog,” then you probably understand
phrases like “just a friend,” “just a sunrise,” or “just a promise.”

“Just a dog” brings into my life the very essence of friendship,
trust, and pure unbridled joy.

“Just a dog” brings out the compassion and patience
that make me a better person.

Because of “just a dog” I will rise early, take long walks and look
longingly to the future.

So for me and folks like me, it’s not “just a dog”
but an embodiment of all the hopes and dreams of the future,
the fond memories of the past, and the pure joy of the moment.

“Just a dog” brings out what’s good in me and diverts my thoughts
away from myself and the worries of the day.

I hope that someday they can understand that its’ not “just a dog”
but the thing that gives me humanity and keeps me from being
“just a man” or “just a woman.”

So the next time you hear the phrase “just a dog,”
just smile, because they “just don’t understand.” 

I took pingo out on a walk, I needed some air. It was good, walking and nature always help when I feel bad. Pingo and I walked over a big cornfield, very slow. He had fun sniffing around and I enjoyed the big space around me filled with fresh air and the sun coming through the clouds. It's a beautiful day. I close my eyes, everything will be fine.
I know that I'm a person of too many emotions and I know that my mind always jumps from the worst scenario to the now. And I know that no one needs that now. It's not helping.
When I came home Fred was back, without Nanuk of course. She had to stay at the vet and wait for her surgery. I think the worst for me was not the surgery itself, even though that scared the shit out of me as well, but the worst was the fact that she was alone. And no one can tell her what's going to happen. And that she even has to wake up alone, and stay in a place she does not know after such a surgery. THAT was what made me feel helpless.

The first hour sitting in the kitchen waiting was the longest ever. I had to do something otherwise I'm gonna get mad. Let's start with baking, cooking, cleaning. Turns out when I'm nervous, afraid, and emotional I'm becoming the perfect housewife. I even clean the fucking windows hahaha - who does that!?!
Between five and six in the afternoon, the vet would call and tell us how it was. I looked at the clock, it was 10 minutes before 6. We call. Fred gets promised that the doctor will call as soon as he can but they can see that it's over, and she is out of surgery.
Then the next 90 minutes we hear nothing again. Fred is always by my side and comforting me with hugs and words. I don't know what I would do without him. Imagine me sitting at the vet, bursting in tears when they say she needs surgery. My, My, My... But back to yesterday... Hearing nothing is in any situation is always the worst feeling, I think. The nothing always grows to the evil something in my mind.

After we eat something we turn on the fire and the tv, the whole day my hands and feet are ice cold it's like my blood circulation just decide to stop circulating.
While I get warm with Pingo next to me and my mind distracted from “the Vikings” on HBO- the phone rings. Fred puts the doctor on speaker and now I believe my brain is not working either. Why do I just understand half or less of this conservation? Hello, 6-month Swedish class and that's it???? I almost cuddle Pingo to death while I wait that they hang up and Fred can translate. Turns out the doctor is Norwegian ( no offense) - at least my Swedish class was not for nothing.

He called so late because he wanted to see Nanuk wake up and see how she is before he calls, big fat plus - I love this new vet even when I can't understand him. And she was fine, she was on painkillers but the surgery went well. Even more, he saw that the uterus was much more infected than he could see before and that she had many Cysts there too. It was so necessary to do. Now she will sleep and they will keep her under observation and if everything goes well she can come home the next day.

Today is the next day, the living room smells like a little hospital, I feel like covid made my nose more sensible and not the other way around. Nanuk came home, looking like I felt the last days but happy to be home. Pingo cries out because we blocked the stairs so she could come in without a big boy jumping at her. I let him down and he sniffs her face and nose and back and fussseeeee. My heart. ah. We see that he is careful with her. She sits down and starts crying wanting to scratch her wound but the cone doesn't allow it. She cries and Pingo sits next to her watching. Now, while I sit in the chair next to the fireplace Nanuk is finally sleeping on the carpet. She cried herself to sleep and is dreaming now of hunting cats and squirrels as soon as possible when she can run again.
Wish us luck that she recovers fast.
-the motherbear

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